One of the things I see often in my work is how past trauma quietly follows people into their relationships. Sometimes, it’s subtle—a tendency to withdraw during conflict, a deep fear of abandonment, or the inability to fully trust a partner. Other times, it’s more obvious—repeated patterns of unhealthy relationships, emotional shutdowns, or even choosing partners who mirror past wounds.

Take the story of Alisha, a woman feeling stuck in a cycle of toxic relationships. She had been in and out of emotionally abusive partnerships, always finding herself with partners who were controlling, dismissive, or unavailable. On the surface, it seemed like bad luck. But as we worked together, a deeper pattern emerged.

Alisha had grown up in a home where love was unpredictable. Her father, battling his own demons, would switch between warmth and coldness without warning. Her mother, overwhelmed, often turned a blind eye. As a child, Alisha learned to keep quiet, to please, to make herself small—because that’s what kept her safe. Fast forward to adulthood, and those survival patterns were still in play. She found herself drawn to men who made her feel the way she had felt as a child—always trying to earn love, always fearing she would lose it.

What made the difference for her was understanding that she wasn’t just unlucky in love—she was repeating a pattern her nervous system had learned long ago. Healing for Alisha meant learning that love should feel safe, not like a battlefield. It meant unlearning the idea that she had to work for love or tolerate mistreatment just to feel wanted. It was a journey of recognizing that trauma had shaped the way she attached to people—but that she had the power to change that.

Alisha’s story is a composite—a blend of real patterns I’ve seen in my therapy room, shaped into one narrative to protect confidentiality. The experiences, emotions, and struggles are very real, just not tied to a single person. Alisha's story could be Richard's story.

This is something I tell many people: Trauma doesn’t just disappear when we step into a new relationship. If we don’t heal, we carry it with us. It shows up in our actions, our reactions, our fears, our defences. But the good news is that awareness brings choice. When we recognize these patterns, we can break them. We can learn a new way of loving and being loved.

If any of this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. Healing is possible. And love—real, healthy, safe love—doesn’t hurt.

Liferelease by Sophia